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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23633476">it's cold outside (but spring's around the corner and i'm waitin')</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/emu12/pseuds/emu12'>emu12</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Copious amounts of kissing, Fluff, I AM BACK, M/M, dotaeten besties!, doyoung is stressed a lot, everyone wants love, jae and do trying to figure each other out while their friends scream at them to get married, jaehyun volleyball player eh ehhh??, kind of projecting a lot on him whoops, minimal amounts though, the world is wide and weird and that's okay, wholesome story because i love love, yes they do the dirty</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 19:02:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>15,546</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23633476</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/emu12/pseuds/emu12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“See something you like?” He asks teasingly at Doyoung’s red face.</p><p>Doyoung protests, “As if. Actually though, there is something I wanted to try.” He uses his free hand to comb through Jaehyun’s midnight black hair, feeling the strands relax from the gel. They gracefully fall down into Jaehyun’s face as he just continues to let Doyoung mess up his meticulously made hairstyle. </p><p>He’s not entirely sure what kind of mystical force compelled him to do that to someone he literally just became acquainted with. But it feels right and Jaehyun’s just sits there, compliant, like a big puppy. </p><p>Doyoung removes his hand and squints at Jaehyun’s face. “As I thought. You look much better without all that product. With it, you looked a little too much like a movie star heartthrob for comfort.” </p><p>Jaehyun blinks, the faintest hint of pink coloring his facing as he plants a simple kiss on Doyoung’s forehead, “So noted” He replies with a grin.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, minor johnten - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>159</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. i prefer winter</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi! i'm here with a new dojae fic</p><p>my sincerest hopes that you'll enjoy it</p><p>(read the end notes if you want to hear me ramble)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Doyoung let out a long breath, slouching against the inside of the bathroom door. Most likely looking as miserable as he felt.</p><p> </p><p><em>Well isn’t this great.</em> He sighed inwardly, ass starting to itch from sitting on the odd fuzzy magenta rug. <em>Having a meltdown at Jackson Wang’s house. Just peachy. </em></p><p> </p><p>Rather than a feeling of misery or panic, you could say it was more of a prolonged and wonderfully sustained tiredness. It often manifested as frequent dull aches behind his eyelids, reading ten pages of a book only to realize that the words simply didn’t process in his head, or even how his limbs were now too heavy to make a cup of coffee in the morning. Or in this case, random bursts of energy in the form of anxiety.</p><p> </p><p>Speaking of coffee cups actually, he broke his favorite mug this morning. A crudely painted orangey greenish thing that his baby cousin, Jeno, had gifted him. He adored Jeno, thus by default, he adored the mug.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Doyoung had been sat in the lovely little abode of isolation he called an apartment, fervently   annotating his spiral-bound copy of Medea. Nothing screams Friday mornings like a greek tragedy about a woman being cheated on by her husband then murdering his new wife and her two children in a fit of glorious, semi-divine anger. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>(To be completely fair, Jason was indeed a colossal asshole. Always insisting that the world would be better if it was just men, which by the way sounds pretty gay, and that women only took part in marriages for the sex and other delightful things that were inherently bullshit in nature.)</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Perhaps the irritation that the play had sparked, conjured the slightest bit of energy within his body. Kim Doyoung, for the first time in weeks was going to make himself coffee. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>As fate would have it, he got out of his seat (feeling rather self-sufficient) at the dinner table and swung open the top kitchen cabinet, the mug promptly tumbling out. Doyoung instinctively stepped back and watched with blank eyes as the orangey greenish glazed-clay mug that his baby cousin whom he adored gave him, shattered into abstract fragments upon contact with the hardwood floor. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>He hadn’t imagined it to be such a big deal. Jeno could paint him a new one and he’d love it just as much, maybe even more. Sure, Jeno is no longer 7 years old and he may be in the midst of his last year of high school but a handmade mug isn’t completely out of the question. No, it wasn’t the mug itself rather it was the fact that Doyoung had let himself get into such a situation. From probably not properly placing the mug back onto the shelf after he’d last used it, all the way to watching it fall with a crushingly indifferent indifference. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Doyoung was bent over the kitchen counter, head in hands, staring all the carefully collected pile of clay shards. The ache behind his eyelids coming back and in that moment a overwhelming wave of defeat came over him. Engulfing and swallowing the facade of apathy he had tried to fool himself for so long into adopting. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>He laughed bitterly, thinking about the poetry lecture he’d be taking in an hour. The main topic for today’s lecture would be analyzing the effects of nature in depicting isolation. Scintillating, he can’t wait.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>He walked back to the dining table in swift strides, and began to tidy up his studying materials for the day. Only then, while grasping his pen, did he realize the slight tremor in his fingers. Scattering smatterings of anxiety through his stomach.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Now Doyoung is sitting, back pressed lightly against Jackson’s bathroom door, watching those same fingers of his shake as they picked at the frayed edges of the recently-deemed-by-him, ugly-as-fuck bathmat. He notes that his self-respect threshold has lowered to the point where he’s now finding fights with bathroom embellishments. (To be young and absolutely useless to society is a fine feeling.)</p><p> </p><p>Though, why is he here? He was invited by Johnny. Honestly if Doyoung hadn’t met the tall American early on, he’d probably never had step foot out into the ‘authentic’ world of college.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Johnny turns around to face Doyoung with a mischievous look on his face.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“No.” Doyoung states flatly, staring at the whiteboard and copying down the written information.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“I didn’t even say anything.” Johnny pouts. It may work on Ten, but Doyoung’s not the sentimental type</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“You’re probably going to ask me to do something stupid. So, no.” He replies, placing his pen down as the professor begins to explain the homework.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Cold as always I see.” Johnny sighs and perks up again, “Jackson is holding a party. Tonight. At his place.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Oh is that so? Fascinating.” Doyoung replied with feigned interest, “He always has parties. Why should I care.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Why?” Johnny asks smiling lopsidedly, “Because I think we should go. Have fun. Live life, all that good stuff.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Doyoung feels an ache form at the back of his head, “We?”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Yes we. I think it would be pretty fun, plus I have a feeling you need it. You look, heavy.” Johnny answers.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Heavy?” </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Yeah, your aura. You’ve never been Mr. Sunshine but recently you’ve been more intense. You look like it too. If I took a Sharpie and colored in your eye-bags, it honestly wouldn’t make too much of a difference.” </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Well doesn’t that just make me feel all warm and self-assured on the inside, but all insults aside, you’re right.” Doyoung exhaled, feeling himself hollow out. “Maybe I’ll come. I’ve been lacking in, well, almost every aspect of my life lately.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Johnny’s worried face is quickly covered up by a easy smile. “Great, just text me when you make up your mind. We can go together.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Sure. Oh also—here,” Doyoung lifts up his phone, presses on it a couple times as Johnny’s phone pings in response.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Wha-“</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“My notes. You weren’t paying attention at all during the last 30 minutes, figured you might have a use for them. You should really get your head out of the clouds.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Johnny looks around the classroom, surprised to find that the lecture was already over and almost everyone had cleared out. “Doyoung, marry me.” He breathes with gratitude.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“I doubt Ten would appreciate that.” Doyoung replies, bag already slung over his shoulder.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Then marry into my family at least! Mark’s single.” Johnny singsongs.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“He’s your brother, in high school, and has a crush on one of my star students. I’ll pass.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Ah right. Forgot you did the whole part-time tutor thing. How is it going?”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Haven’t been in a while.” He says plainly. “Anyways, I gotta run. See you.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“See you!” Johnny shouts after him, “You better show up!”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Show up he did. To be truthful, he’s not sure why he bothered at all. Doyoung knew as soon as he stepped foot inside the apartment, the shouting and cheering, the excitement thrumming through the air, the way the bass-heavy music went straight to stomach, he wasn’t gonna be to fake-it-till-ya-make-it through this one. It took a total of one drink and stranger accidentally brushing up against him to decide that the bathroom was going to be his next destination until Johnny found him to leave the party.</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung could leave himself. He could tell Johnny he’s not comfortable and go. Leave all the chaos burning in a neat little pile behind his back. Of this he’s perfectly aware. But he sees how excited Johnny is for him, to be finally going out and to at least try enjoy himself. Plus, Johnny has probably found Ten already, Doyoung doesn’t want him to play babysitter. Especially not when Ten has finally found the time to visit from the neighboring town. Doyoung can do this by himself.</p><p> </p><p>“Dude are you done?” An unfamiliar voice barks from the other side of the door. The voice is much to sharp for Doyoung’s liking and it strikes him in the gut, pulling him back to reality.</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung clambers to his feet and runs his hand under the sink. Can’t have strangers thinking he’s unhygienic now can he? His still-wet fists close over the brassy doorknob, twisting and pulling. It opens, much to his disappointment. He steps out.</p><p> </p><p>“Took you long enough,” the guys mutters, brushing past Doyoung and slamming the door behind him.</p><p> </p><p>He supposes it was unrealistic to assume no one would need to use the restroom for the remaining—he checks his phone—two hours of the party. The color changing fairy lights strung all around the place, disorients Doyoung further. He think he can start to taste that drink from earlier. Sweet and dangerously acidic in his throat.</p><p> </p><p>He stumbles through the living room, murmuring apologies to the blurred faces that past. Who were all these people? Why did they get to have fun while Doyoung was out here, freaking out.</p><p>Living life with rose-colored glasses on has to be better than being not being able to see at all he supposes. But Doyoung’s been blindfolded, spun around, and let loose in dark room. He’s gotta try and get somewhere, anywhere, without tripping over his own two feet. Has he really got any right to complain though?</p><p> </p><p>His fingers close around the door handles leading to the balcony, sliding the glass aside and gently tripping outside. Cool winter air clears his head and embraces his skin, the relief almost makes him tear up. The ambience is pleasant. The whole balcony area had been fitted with beanbags and a couple fake candles placed on a small table, faux flames artificially dancing in the air. No one else seemed to be there.</p><p> </p><p><em>Guess the alcohol is more enticing. </em>Doyoung sighs for the nth time that night. He stalks over to the railing and folds his arms on the cool metal, staring off at Jackson’s view. The apartment isn’t particularly big, or high up, and it’s definitely a little too far from campus to be convenient. Doyoung gazes at all the neon signs and the little yellow lights in the distance, there’s still people bustling about on the streets, hurried to get to their destinations. The place is in the heart of the city, and it’s got a nice little slice of it for itself. That’s more than Doyoung can say at least.</p><p> </p><p>A soft melody begins to flow from the interior of the house. Doyoung picks it up with soft recognition. Raining in Amsterdam. Lee Na Rae.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Along a curved roadside,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The mood seems to melt in.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>All of a sudden, the map is filled up with that shape.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Fortunately, it was forecasted rain boots.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>He hums along. Relishing in a gentle peace. “I love this song,” He whispers to nobody but the air, mostly just to hear his own voice again.</p><p> </p><p>“Ah, me too. So glad they changed it from all the EDM. You’re not a raging EDM fan right? That’d be awkward.” A deep voice awkwardly chuckles from beside him. Doyoung doesn’t have enough energy to afford the luxury of being shocked, instead he slowly swings his head to look at the owner of the voice. He half expects to see no one and realize that he’s starting to become manic but much to his surprise there’s actually a person right next to him.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>My ears felt a wonderful tickling sensation.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lounge music.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>A guy with warm eyes and deep dimples offers a small smile to him. He looks around Doyoung’s age, with a boyish handsomeness to him. The stranger’s unnaturally dark hair is firmly styled away from his face with a few stray strands dancing from the wind. It looks ridiculously like out of a movie, Doyoung thinks. The kind that have a yellowish filter with a lot of shots involving flowers, Saturday mornings and sex. This guy would be the protagonist, and Doyoung would be the person that, without a second thought, gets passed by on the street. A small moving smudge of colors on the cinema screen.</p><p> </p><p>On second thought, he may actually turn out to be the sentimental type.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You and Me, time stops while we’re walking.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The rain is falling.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry for disturbing your train of thought.” The guys says apologetically. “I saw you walk out here. The party was getting kind of stuffy. It seemed nice.”</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung can sense the obligatory politeness coloring the mysterious guy’s tone and shrugs in response,“I don’t control you.”</p><p> </p><p>“I suppose not.”</p><p> </p><p>They lapse into a soft silence, listening to the song.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Put me up beside the dark comfortable clouds.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s raining,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Amsterdam.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>“I’m Jung Jaehyun by the way.” The guy—Jaehyun—says after a beat or two. The fake polite lilt gone from his voice, replaced by something a bit more real. Heavy, Doyoung recalls, as Johnny would say. The sound pools at the bottom of Doyoung’s heart, warming it up.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh is that so? Marvelous.” Doyoung replies, a bit more sarcastic than required for when meeting new people. Especially new, attractive, people.</p><p> </p><p>Jaehyun glances at Doyoung from the side, his voice gets a bit deeper as he asks, “Gonna tell me who you might be?”</p><p> </p><p>“Do you care?”</p><p> </p><p>“I feel like I should.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Everyone starts fresh at a romantic dream</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The Amsterdam atmosphere is unusually rough</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Small birds lose a place to fly across</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung’s not quite sure how to reply as he feels his cheeks burn despite the weather. Is this flirting? Is this pity? An odd mix of both?</p><p> </p><p>Jaehyun laughs, “Trust me I’m not that much of saint. If I pitied you, I’d tell you.”</p><p> </p><p>Ah, so it is flirting. So Doyoung is starting to say his thoughts aloud or Jaehyun’s a mind reader, whichever it may be he’s getting tired of being his usual skeptical self. </p><p> </p><p>He musters up the courage to turn his gaze towards Jaehyun, “Kim Doyoung. I don’t suppose that rings any bells?”</p><p> </p><p>“Nope.” Jaehyun smiles easily, “But, now I know.”</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung’s not stupid, he knows stranger danger is real thing, and the same goes for being brutally murdered by charming guys in shady back-alleyways. And even though he’s very much aware of this, an alarmingly large part of him just kinda wants to trust Jaehyun and let him lead this conversation. Not that there’s really much that Doyoung really has the heart to protest to anyways.</p><p> </p><p>“So,” Jaehyun starts.</p><p> </p><p>“So?” Doyoung repeats.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t mean to pry, but what are you doing here? At the party, I mean.”</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung takes a hair of offense to that, “What, do I really look like that much of a social recluse?”</p><p> </p><p>“To be honest,” Jaehyun takes a look around the balcony, “Yeah, you do. But mainly just because all the people are in there,” He gestures to the house, then to Doyoung, “And you’re out here.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You &amp; Me the clock stopped while we are walking.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The rain is falling.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung doesn’t even have wit to argue that Jaehyun’s out here with him too, instead he just gets angry. For what reason, he’s not so sure.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay <em>Jaehyun, </em>you know what? I should be doing a million other things right now. I have other things to achieve than just sitting around at a party where It doesn’t even matter if I stand out because no one gives a shit.”</p><p> </p><p><em>Stop talking. Please stop talking, </em>Doyoung yells at himself.</p><p> </p><p>“But I’m here, Jaehyun, because I’m sick of it. Of so many things. Never feeling good enough, the self doubt, the worry, the loneliness. I’m here because I thought by some luck I’d manage to reverse it all by just letting loose for a night. Now I see how sorely mistaken I’ve been. So please, If you’re here to tell me I don’t belong, I know already. So you can just kindly leave now, thanks.”</p><p> </p><p>It’s almost funny how cathartic it is to be saying that aloud, because before Doyoung knows it there’s hot tears streaming down his face. He’s not the type to cry, but then again it seems he’s discovering many new parts of himself tonight. The heat in his chest is replaced with an lukewarm flame as the passion from his yelling dissipates into nothingness. Doyoung furiously rubs his eyes in a desperate attempt to fix whatever faucet that’s broke inside of him. Jaehyun must think he’s psycho, it’s not everyday an emotionally constipated guy angrily vents at you. He looks up at him, only to find that there’s guilt and panic written all over his handsome features. Doyoung almost feels regretful, almost.</p><p> </p><p>“I-I didn’t mean it that way. It was just,” Jaehyun stutters out, taking a step closer to Doyoung. “I was just, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.”</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Why are you apologizing?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“I saw you run out here, and I had noticed you earlier so I thought…,” Jaehyun trails off, still staring intently at Doyoung’s face.</p><p> </p><p>“You thought?” Doyoung sniffles, trying to sound less pathetic.</p><p> </p><p>“I thought it would be, a good opportunity to get to know you better if I could talk to you?” Jaehyun’s voice grows smaller, “I messed up, I’m sorry.”</p><p> </p><p><em>You apologize too much,</em> Doyoung thinks through the tears.</p><p> </p><p>Now it’s Doyoung’s turn to feel guilty, he feels it squeeze at his insides and pester him to make amends. He shouldn’t have brought up his personal problems. It’s not Jaehyun’s fault that he just happened to stumble upon Doyoung at the wrong time and place. At parties, Doyoung is as high strung as a cat on a very thin clothesline. So he shakes his head, “No, Jaehyun. If anything, I should be apologizing, you didn’t have any bad intentions and I snapped at you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, this may be bad timing but,” Jaehyun says shyly, scratching his neck. It’s a strange look on him Doyoung notes. “I had a <em>few</em> not so good intentions. I really wasn’t joking about the flirting thing.” He gives Doyoung an awkward grin.</p><p> </p><p>It dawns on a Doyoung, he’s standing on the edge of something dangerous here. Jaehyun was interested in him, was sexually interested in him. “Oh my god, you wanted to hook up with me and I unloaded emotional baggage on you. I am the largest idiot disaster to walk this earth.” Doyoung buries his red, teary face in his hands.</p><p> </p><p>Jaehyun laughs, crisp and clear, eyes crinkling, “I think I’m actually more deserving of that title. So, am I forgiven?”</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung sniffles, tears drying, “Well there’s nothing to forgive really. But if it soothes your soul, then sure.”</p><p> </p><p>They then fall into some small talk that lasts for some time and is slightly painful for Doyoung’s introverted soul. So his eyes wander and he takes a good look at Jaehyun for the first time that night. He’s wearing a large black sweater over a pair of dark ripped jeans. There’s an effortless attractiveness to him that makes Doyoung forget about his troubles. (What? He’s allowed to be shallow sometimes.) He feels self-conscious in his college sweater and thinking about his puffy eyes sends a whole different wave of nervous rippling down his spine.</p><p> </p><p>“Ugh I look stupid now.” Doyoung says, trying for a joking tone. He tries to shield his face with his hands but his wrist are being held apart by a gentle force. Jaehyun’s got both of Doyoung’s warm hands resting his own cold ones. Doyoung shivers under Jaehyun’s intense gaze.</p><p> </p><p>“Doyoung, that’s not true. I think you’re quite pretty.”</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung throat dries up and with disbelief he thinks that there’s a couple ways the night could end as he stares tries not to stare at Jaehyun’s face. He could say goodbye to Jaehyun. Go home to his normal little suffocating life with a strange new story archived in his mind. Work on the things he should be working on.</p><p> </p><p>Or, he could be a little less lonely, even if it’s just for a night. Let himself be the damsel in distress, pretend that taking this step is gonna fix all his problems. Escape the stale air he’s been choking down for the past forever, and try to trust Jaehyun. But at this point his decision making skills have shut down and he already knows the answer to his question.</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung gently retracts his hands from Jaehyun’s, feeling the loss of contact ache deep in his gut. But the feeling is short-lived as he wraps his arms around Jaehyun’s neck, pulling him down and closer. He can smell the soft clean lavender scent of Jaehyun’s hair as he leans in to his ear.</p><p> </p><p>“Listen. I have an astonishingly horrible alcohol tolerance and a diminishing sense of self worth. You sure you still want me to be your pick of the night?” Doyoung murmurs quietly, feeling surprised at the way Jaehyun shivers.</p><p> </p><p>The excited glimmer his eyes startle Doyoung yet again as Jaehyun breathes out a simple, “I’m positive.”</p><p> </p><p>“Good.”</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung pulls Jaehyun impossibly closer as their lips touch, and lets out a shaky breath. He’s warm and it makes Doyoung’s push down his uncertainties and his chest ache with a foreign longing. Jaehyun’s hands find their place cupping Doyoung’s face, delicately as if he’s something precious. Actually the whole situation is just incredibly gentle, as Jaehyun’s mouth moves against his own. But as much as Doyoung would appreciate Jaehyun’s chivalry, he’s gonna need something a bit stronger tonight.</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung breaks apart first, hands trembling where they’re fisted in Jaehyun’s sweater, “Hey Lover Boy,” He breathes against Jaehyun’s neck, “your house or mine?”</p><p> </p><p>Jaehyun’s mouth twitches into a smile as he takes one of Doyoung’s hands, “How about yours?”</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung shrugs and tries to keep out the shake of excitement and nervousness in the action, “Fine by me. Just, let’s hurry up.”</p><p> </p><p>Jaehyun pulls Doyoung in for another kiss, “You’re adorable.”</p><p> </p><p>In the blink of an eye Jaehyun’s leading Doyoung through the house, expertly weaving his way through the crowd. All sorts of colors and sounds blur past Doyoung as he focuses in on the warmth where his hand meets Jaehyun’s.</p><p> </p><p>Multiple people call out Jaehyun’s name, asking him to grab a drink, where he’s going, how he’s doing, and he answers them all with an effortless smile and quick apology. To think that confident human beings actually exist. Wild.</p><p> </p><p>Then they’re in the elevator, still holding hands, as Doyoung shoots Johnny a quick text promising to explain in the morning. Doyoung shoves his phone back into his pocket before a response comes, he’s got more important matters to tend to right about now.</p><p> </p><p>“Metro?” Jaehyun asks.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah.” Doyoung breathes. The elevator dings open and it’s Doyoung’s turn to drag Jaehyun through the city,  across the street to the nearest station, down the stairs, and into the metro that’ll take the both of them to Doyoung’s apartment in approximately 10 minutes.</p><p> </p><p>They sit side-by-side in an empty car, fingers still intertwined between them. It’s all happened so quick and Doyoung’s slightly out of breath in his seat, dazedly watching the underground tunnels pass by them in sheets of grey. He looks up at Jaehyun’s face, who’s zoned out on a random advertisement about a cat cafe that’s opened somewhere not too far from the university. Jaehyun snaps out of his trance and meets Doyoung’s stare, smiling slightly and sending blood rushing to Doyoung’s cheeks.</p><p> </p><p>“See something you like?” He asks teasingly at Doyoung’s red face.</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung protests, “As if. Actually though, there is something I wanted to try.” He uses his free hand to comb through Jaehyun’s midnight black hair, feeling the strands relax from the gel. They gracefully fall down into Jaehyun’s face as he just continues to let Doyoung mess up his meticulously made hairstyle.</p><p> </p><p>He’s not entirely sure what kind of mystical force compelled him to do that to someone he literally just became acquainted with. But it feels right and Jaehyun’s just sits there, compliant, like a big puppy.</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung removes his hand and squints at Jaehyun’s face. “As I thought. You look much better without all that product. With it, you looked a little too much like a movie star heartthrob for comfort.”</p><p> </p><p>Jaehyun blinks, the faintest hint of pink coloring his facing as he plants a simple kiss on Doyoung’s forehead, “So noted” He replies with a grin.</p><p> </p><p>It all feels a little too domestic than it should. He met Jaehyun maybe an hour, probably less, ago. Yet it certainly doesn’t feel that way when they play 20 questions for the duration of the metro ride. Now Jaehyun knows that Doyoung loves his cousin, cooking, he’s not a morning person and his favorite color is a peachy pink. Whereas Doyoung has discovered that Jaehyun was born on Valentines day, hates jasmine tea but loves oolong, and has lived in America for four years.</p><p> </p><p>(“But please, if you ever happen to meet my friends, do not mention anything about that. They’ll lose what little of their minds they have left.” Jaehyun sighs in defeat as he explains the context for why. But Doyoung’s mind is still a little hung up over the whole <em>happen to meet my friends </em>part.)</p><p> </p><p>All of a sudden the metro halts, the doors slide open and the reality of what’s about to happen strikes Doyoung square in the forehead. He gives Jaehyun’s hand a tug as he stands up, “Come, let’s go lover boy.”</p><p> </p><p>Jaehyun obliges and as they make their way out of the station he adds softly, “I like it when you call me that. Lover boy.”</p><p> </p><p>“So noted.” Doyoung smiles and leads Jaehyun up his apartment building.</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung unlocks his door and takes a tentative step inwards. It’s his own place yet it seems so incredibly foreign with company. The entire place just seems to thrum with an odd sort of anticipation, a liveliness that hasn’t graced its walls in a while.</p><p> </p><p>“Should I take off my shoes?” Jaehyun gently asks, pulling Doyoung out of his reverie.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh yeah. You can just put them by the door.” Doyoung slips his own shoes off as Jaehyun follows suit.</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung steps further inwards, arms awkwardly empty at his sides. He turns to look at Jaehyun who’s still struggling a bit with tugging his boots off and slightly hopping on one foot, it’s quite endearing.</p><p> </p><p>Truth be told, he’s not quite sure how to proceed from here. The mood hasn’t soured, rather, it’s mellowed out into something light and comfortable. Like a cloud nestled in the sky, content with just drifting. But he reminds himself that Jaehyun’s not here for light and comfortable, but at the same time he’s unsure of how to change their current situation into one that’s more, heated.</p><p> </p><p>“Aha!” Jaehyun exclaims, shoe finally coming off and noticing Doyoung’s stare. He clears his throat, “Laced them up too tight.”</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung giggles, “Why? Planning to run away from something?”</p><p> </p><p>Turns out, Doyoung doesn’t need to do a thing. Jaehyun makes quick strides towards Doyoung until they’re chest to chest. His hands cup Doyoung’s face as he murmurs, “Not anymore. I’m a little busy right now.”</p><p> </p><p>The universe explodes gently as Jaehyun leans down to capture Doyoung’s lips, and a growing warmth spreads through his body. It’s surreal but entirely alive as Jaehyun licks gently along the seam of his lips, tasting, testing, wanting. Doyoung’s heartbeat is oddly still in his own chest, not daring himself to believe in reality, until he feels Jaehyun’s shaky exhale fan out against his cheeks. That’s when Doyoung’s heart catches up and begins to hammer softly, then wildly as he tangles his fingers in Jaehyun’s dark dark dark hair.</p><p> </p><p>Unfortunately the both of them are mortal (Doyoung could’ve forgotten with the way Jaehyun was kissing him) and need oxygen. So they part, just barely though. They’re both left breathless, heaving slightly, still standing in Doyoung’s little living room.</p><p> </p><p>“So,” Doyoung says against Jaehyun’s lips, “What was it that you were busy with? Couldn’t hear over all the kissing.”</p><p> </p><p>He feels Jaehyun break out into a grin, “You’re unbelievable.”</p><p> </p><p>They kiss and kiss and kiss, Doyoung whimpering when Jaehyun moves his lips onto his throat. He bites gently and Doyoung’s knees almost give out from under him. So Doyoung does the impossible and breaks off the kiss, grabbing Jaehyun’s arm and dragging him to the other side of the living room.</p><p> </p><p>“Bedroom. Now. Before I combust.” Doyoung orders, trying to regain control and failing miserably with the way his voice shakes.</p><p> </p><p>“Well we can’t have that, now can we?” Jaehyun replies and allows himself to be dragged into Doyoung’s neat room. Once they’re in, Doyoung pushes Jaehyun down onto the bed then promptly straddles him. They haven’t even bothered turning any of the lights on but Doyoung thinks the moonlight streaming in from the window and the sparkle in Jaehyun’s eyes are more than enough.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re gorgeous but I’d bet you’d look better with your clothes off.” Doyoung breathes into the deep blueness. They both get to work on helping each other remove their clothes. When Jaehyun’s sweater and shirt come off, Doyoung’s breath hitches at the sight of all the muscle and warm skin, he suddenly feels self-conscious.</p><p> </p><p>But of course Jaehyun can read his mind because when Doyoung strips down to his skin he whispers, “You’re stunning.” Doyoung’s grateful for the cover of darkness because he feels his cheeks flush and bloom with color, both flustered and excited.</p><p> </p><p>Jaehyun places his hands on Doyoung’s waist and flips their position so that he’s hovering over Doyoung’s face. “Condoms? Before I literally lose all reason and forget.” Jaehyun asks, voice low and full of want.</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung painstakingly reaches his hand over to the nightstand and fishes one out, along with a small bottle of lube. He sets it next to himself and whispers to Jaehyun who is still oh-so-close, “I haven’t done this in a while.” He not sure what he’s trying to convey with that, but it slips out of his mouth nonetheless.</p><p> </p><p>Jaehyun chuckles, dropping his head down into Doyoung’s shoulder making him shiver. He whispers, “Me too. We can figure it out together.”</p><p> </p><p>Figure what out? Doyoung’s not sure about so many things, and there are so many anxieties and thoughts that are demanding to be considered before he really decides to be this rash and have a one night stand. But all the raging waters in his head are replaced with Jaehyun’s reassuring words and Doyoung wants to ask what ‘together’ means but he doesn’t because he knows that ‘together’ is conditional and will not last beyond tonight.</p><p> </p><p>“Doyoung.” Jaehyun murmurs, staring straight into his eyes. “We don’t need to do this if you’re nervous. I don’t want you to feel pressured.”</p><p> </p><p>Is he nervous now? He is. But he’s also been nervous for the entire day, and the day before that, and the week before that, and all the months leading up to now. Kim Doyoung is tired, and frankly, bored, of being nervous all the damn time. How many opportunities has he passed up, unwilling to take that first step? And now with Jaehyun, gentle Jaehyun who held his hand in the metro, is here and has Doyoung in his arms. And he just wants to let himself feel for once.</p><p> </p><p>So Doyoung looks Jaehyun in his eyes, pulling him down for a kiss, “Jaehyun, I want this. Trust me.”</p><p> </p><p>That’s all Jaehyun needed to know as he starts to kiss Doyoung back with fervor. He makes his way down, sucking a deep crimson hickey near Doyoung’s collarbones. It’s all so intoxicating, Doyoung can feel his bones soften underneath Jaehyun’s touch, it’s getting increasingly difficult to keep from making embarrassing noises.</p><p> </p><p>But of course Jaehyun’s a mind reader and breathes out, “Don’t hold it in. I want to hear you.” As if on cue, Jaehyun’s hand comes to toy with his nipples and Doyoung let’s out an impressively long and high whine.</p><p> </p><p>“Holy shit.” Jaehyun whispers and pulls Doyoung up to sit facing him in his lap. “You are so unbelievably pretty.”</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung doesn’t know how to take compliments so he opts to reach in between them and tug on Jaehyun’s dick. The reaction is instant as Jaehyun’s lets out a deep groan, which sparks a powerful flame of arousal in the pit of Doyoung’s stomach. He keeps moving his hand up and down the shaft, relishing in the way Jaehyun bucks upward for more. Jaehyun pulls Doyoung even closer in his lap so that the both of their cocks are touching. Doyoung moans loudly in response, body trembling from the pleasure.</p><p> </p><p>“Jae,” Doyoung whines breathily, “W-wanna make y-you feel good.”</p><p> </p><p>Jaehyun groans, “You are sweetheart, you are.”</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung’s never been one for terms of endearment but when it leaves Jaehyun’s mouth like nothing in the universe could be more natural, he feels his heart turn into stardust. And it’s all a show of blurred colors and fireworks in Doyoung’s mind from there.</p><p> </p><p>He’s finally gotten around to opening himself up with two fingers, and god it’s been so long. The pain runs up his spine and mingles with the pleasure, keeping him from completely just floating away. All the while, Jaehyun just kneels between Doyoung’s legs and watches him writhe in pleasure, eyes glittering like dark gemstones.</p><p> </p><p>Then when Jaehyun’s decided to be done with torturing himself, he grabs a condom, and gently taps Doyoung’s thigh.</p><p> </p><p>“Last chance to tell me if you don’t want it. I don’t know if I could hold myself back.”</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung shivers from how low and breathy Jaehyun’s voice sounds, pleasantly surprised at how much influence he had on him. And he realized for the briefest of moments that he’s actually let himself want something, to crave something on his own terms—the feeling is euphoric. Doyoung lifts his head up to look Jaehyun in the eyes, “Jaehyun, I want it. I want you.”</p><p> </p><p>And that’s all it really takes for Jaehyun to slip the condom on and align himself with Doyoung’s entrance. When he begins pushing in, tears spring into Doyoung’s eyes, partially from the pain but mostly stemming from the fountain of emotions that’s just broken in his body. There are too many and yet, no words that can be said to comprehend just how <em>much</em> everything is. His chest is quivering as salty sweet droplets make their way down his face. Jaehyun notices—like how he always does—and blankets over Doyoung to kiss his tears away.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung imagines himself, covered in tears and sweat, looking as ridiculous as he feels and wakes up a bit. He slaps Jaehyun’s arm, as he uses his own arm to cover his face, “I won’t be If you don’t move your dick right now.”</p><p> </p><p>Jaehyun laughs and it lights the room up despite the dark, “Okay, but on one condition. You have to let me see that pretty face of yours.”</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung flushes and slowly removes the arm that’s covering his eyes, he never thought he’d be a such a sucker for flattery. Though maybe it’s just Jaehyun’s effect of him. “Happy?” He grumbles under his breath.</p><p> </p><p>“Very.” Is Jaehyun’s reply as he finally begins to move.</p><p> </p><p>Everything turns into a flurry of colors and stars in front of Doyoung’s eyes. He’s never felt that sex was a romantic exchange. Two people show each other their genitals and then pleasure ensues sometimes, not a lot panache needed. But god there is so much panache right now, Doyoung can’t really cope. As much as he’d love to poeticize about sex with Jaehyun, he can’t. Because frankly, his brain is a little bit all over the place. You’ll have to forgive him, he’s currently being fucked into oblivion.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh my god.” Doyoung moans, breathy and high, too lost in pleasure to really care. He comes shortly after, thighs shaking and head thrown back. Jaehyun eventually comes as well, hips stuttering and Doyoung’s name dripping off his lips. Doyoung’s vision turns white and everything is quite heavenly for a moment or so.</p><p> </p><p>The haze of Doyoung’s unlit room slowly seeps back into his mind, and so does the post-coital numbness. Jaehyun is still hovering over Doyoung’s body, both parties left with red marks and labored breathing.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck.” Jaehyun laughs after moment of silence, the deep sound resonating within Doyoung’s chest. As cryptic as it may sound, he understands completely.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck indeed.” Doyoung breathes, gazing at Jaehyun’s face, marveling at the beauty.</p><p> </p><p>After a intense period of face-staring, Jaehyun eventually coughs and offers to clean Doyoung up, to which he excepts graciously.</p><p> </p><p>“Bathroom?” Jaehyun asks.</p><p> </p><p>“Just across the hall.” Doyoung replies.</p><p> </p><p>So Jaehyun gently removes himself from Doyoung’s body, and pads out of the room. Doyoung hears the lights of the bathroom click, it sends a ray of artificial light into the bedroom. He squints even though the room isn’t that bright.</p><p> </p><p>“Which towel should I use?” Jaehyun calls out.</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung almost laughs at the innocence in his voice, “Whichever one is under the sink. If you use my face towel, we’re gonna have problems.”</p><p> </p><p>There’s silence as Doyoung hears Jaehyun put something back, “Right. Wouldn’t want that now would we?”</p><p> </p><p>This time Doyoung actually does laugh and the entire lower half of his body aches in response. It’s an odd feeling but not overwhelmingly so.</p><p> </p><p>Jaehyun pads back into the room with the wetted towel and leans over the bedside to mop up Doyoung’s chest, laughing at the way he hisses and tenses up at the cold.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re like a cat,” Jaehyun muses.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t think you know what a cat looks like,” Doyoung yawns out, lids growing heavier, “Plus, people have expressed to me that I’m more like a bunny.”</p><p> </p><p>Jaehyun pauses to inspect Doyoung’s face, “I do see the resemblance.” He then pulls away, “Where should this towel go?”</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung yawns again, tears lining his eyes and blurring his vision, turning Jaehyun’s figure into watery puddles. He points towards where he hopes is his laundry hamper and lets out a very intelligent, “Somewhere there.”</p><p> </p><p>Jaehyun laughs, “Either your hamper looks awfully a lot like a trash can, or that actually is a trash can. Either way, I’m just going to put it in the thing that says ‘Laundry’.”</p><p> </p><p>“Smart.” Doyoung murmurs. Watching Jaehyun fish his briefs off the floor and slips them back on, he realizes that he’s still very naked. Call him an old man but if he doesn’t put on pajamas before he drifts off into the sweet embrace of sleep, he most definitely will catch a nasty cold. So in his sleep addled mind he attempts to get out of bed, emphasis on <em>attempts</em>, his legs soften upon contact with the hardwood floors. He crumples into a delicate pile onto the floor. How attractive.</p><p> </p><p>Like the knight he is, Jaehyun rushes over and extends a hand out—which Doyoung takes gratefully, suddenly becoming alert again. “Sorry,” He cringes, “Needed pajamas, overestimated current leg strength.”</p><p> </p><p>“Actually, I think I should be apologizing? Not to sound egotistical but you are on the floor because of me.” Jaehyun says sheepishly, supporting Doyoung’s weight with an arm thrown over his own shoulder and a gentle hand on Doyoung’s waist.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s not something to apologize for but, whatever floats your considerate boat.” Doyoung mumbles, cheeks flaming up.</p><p> </p><p>Jaehyun chuckles, “So where to?”</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung begrudgingly points at the drawer right across from them, “You should’ve just let me army crawl myself over there, it’s literally a meter away.”</p><p> </p><p>“A meter too many for you right now though,” Jaehyun muses and prompts begins to assist Doyoung over.</p><p> </p><p>Once he’s at the drawer though, Doyoung remembers the contents of his pajama drawer and begins a mild, verging on intense, internal freakout. But at this point his hand is already on it’s way to grab the handle and Doyoung wishes he’d just let himself freeze to death and catch the plague.</p><p> </p><p>Jaehyun senses Doyoung’s hesitation and grins, “What, it’s not full of lingerie is it?”</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung sighs in defeat, “I wish. It’s quite the opposite.” He yanks the drawer open to reveal about five shirts at the top of the drawer, in varying colors, with his own face printed out large in the middle of them. The photos used were from when his hair was still purple and still going through that odd period of high school where he tried out being punk. Ten had printed them out for him last Valentines day and handed all of them over in a heart shaped box and a firm <em>“Love yourself.” </em>Doyoung didn’t think this what he’d get.</p><p> </p><p>Yet he still cycles through wearing a different one every week because at this point he’s numb to the absurdity, and, well, they’re quite comfortable. He explains all this to Jaehyun because really, Doyoung never had the intention of letting anyone near his whimsical pajama drawer but yet here they are.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not quite sure what to say.” Jaehyun says amusedly, picking up the purple colored version of the shirt and inspecting it.</p><p> </p><p>“Then don’t say anything.” Doyoung deadpans, snatching the shirt out of Jaehyun’s hands and slipping it on. He then leans over the drawer in search of underwear and pajama pants.</p><p> </p><p>“Please tell me you have matching bottoms.”</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung sighs, fighting a smile, “Fortunately, no.” He pulls out a pair of long plaid bottoms and steps into those instead.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s an interesting fashion choice.” Jaehyun laughs and Doyoung can only imagine how insane he must look. Purple shirt with his own face printed on it and plaid pants. Truly the pinnacle of loungewear.</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung swats Jaehyun’s shoulder, “I’m too tired for this slander.” He begins to walk (limp) towards his bathroom, creating his usual mental checklist of things he needs to get done before bed.</p><p> </p><p>Oh wait. Right. He forgot to factor in Jaehyun and he’s not well-versed in the art of one-night stands.</p><p> </p><p>“Jaehyun.” Doyoung calls out. Jaehyun makes a noise of acknowledgement, squinting at Doyoung’s pajama drawer, probably trying to find more weird articles of clothing. “Would you like to stay over for the night?” </p><p> </p><p>That seems to have gotten his attention as Jaehyun whips around to face Doyoung, his polite mode coming to life. “It’s fine. I don’t want to bother you or anything. I’ll just catch the metro back home.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well it’s—” Doyoung pauses to look at his clock “—1am. The last train was an hour ago. So, I insist.”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s…hard logic to argue against,” Jaehyun concedes, following up with a firm, “But I’ll be sleeping on the couch.”</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung feels a part of him protest but he crushes it under a large metaphorical boot and nods instead, “Seems fair.”</p><p> </p><p>The next hour before bed, he hands Jaehyun a spare set of normal pajamas that belonged to Johnny and opens a new toothbrush. They take turns washing their faces and brushing their teeth.</p><p> </p><p>Jaehyun pads out of the bathroom with a fresh face to see Doyoung’s dark figure out in the living room, straightening the edges of blanket on his couch.</p><p> </p><p>“I hope this is okay?” Doyoung voices out, “It shouldn’t give any back soreness, I nap here pretty often and it’s pretty comfortable. Although I don’t remember the last time I spent a full night here…”</p><p> </p><p>Jaehyun just laughs, “I’ll be fine. The only back soreness you should worry about is yours.”</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung flushes, thankful for the darkness, “Yeah, yeah.” He mumbles, “Just, come here.”</p><p> </p><p>“Will do.”</p><p> </p><p>Doyoung turns to head back into his room when Jaehyun lifts the covers and slips under them, saying a short goodnight.</p><p> </p><p>“Goodnight. Wake me up if you need something.” Doyoung calls out, and slips into his room. He leave the door slightly ajar.</p><p> </p><p>Surprisingly, sleep comes easy. Softly blurring the edges of his vision and weighting his limbs from the exhaustion. Doyoung is transported to a world of dark, soundless comfort. No nightmares, just sleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. brunch</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hey hey! it's back lol</p>
<p>enjoy lovelies &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next morning is admittedly awkward. Doyoung is an awkward person sometimes. But he needs to put on his (metaphorical) big-boy pants on in order not to be trampled by existence itself, so that’s what he does as he stands over Jaehyun’s still-sleeping figure. His face is kind of smushed oddly against the couch cushion and most of the blanket has escaped to floor overnight. It’s kind of endearing and Doyoung, who’s just woken up, has half a mind to be annoyed that Jaehyun still looks good in slumber.</p>
<p>Doyoung slaps his own face lightly, feeling the nervous energy make his hands tingly. He crouches down, wincing at how his knees crack and how the dull pain in his lower half throbs a bit, he then reaches a hand out to shake Jaehyun awake.</p>
<p>“Heyyyy buddy,” Doyoung calls out in his voice reserved for large dogs, and by extension, hot guys, “Jaehyun. Wake up. Blanket’s on the floor, you’re gonna catch a cold.”</p>
<p>Jaehyun stirs and mumbles something incoherently, cracking his eyes open to see his disturber, “Mornin’.” he croaks out. Doyoung’s insides twist a bit at the scratchy morning voice, he fists his hands in the runaway blanket.</p>
<p>“Hope you don’t mind I woke you up at 9 in the morning on a weekend.” Doyoung says apologetically. If he was in Jaehyun’s situation, he’d be pretty scandalized. “Just remembered I made plans with a friend for later and I really can’t miss it.”</p>
<p>Jaehyun sits up and Doyoung finds amusement in seeing the little sprigs of hair sticking out every which way on his head. Comforting to know that even the beautiful get bedhead. Jaehyun yawns and smiles, “Nah, it’s cool. I’ve gotta go practice later today too.”</p>
<p>So both get ready, taking turns again. Talking is pretty minimal, which allows all the memories from last night to slip in through the cracks of Doyoung’s sleep addled mind. He flushes brightly once he catches a glimpse of an angry red hickey on his collarbone, peeking out from his stupid pajama shirt. </p>
<p>He shuts the tap, quickly slaps on his moisturizer, informs Jaehyun that the bathroom is vacant, and scurries into his room. He crouches on the floor for a few good moments, letting himself make a few faces of disbelief at the floor before slipping on his sweater with the smallest collar. Doyoung also puts on his actual big boy pants (a nice pair of black jeans) and fixes his face with a little bit of concealer to hide the sleep deprivation. </p>
<p>
  <i>You can run from it but you can’t hide</i> Doyoung sighs to himself
</p>
<p>When Doyoung’s back out in the living room, he finds Jaehyun all dressed up in last nights clothes by the doorway lacing his boots back up. An unpleasantly weighted feeling slips down Doyoung’s chest, he hopes it doesn’t show on his face. </p>
<p>Jaehyun suddenly lifts his face up, and Doyoung’s reminded that being born that attractive really should just be outlawed because it proves to be incredibly distracting for trying to think.</p>
<p>“I’m going to head out now.” Jaehyun says with an easy smile, “Don’t wanna take up anymore of your time.”</p>
<p>Doyoung’s not a weak bitch so he just nods, “Stay safe.”</p>
<p>He finishes up with his shoes and already has the door open while Doyoung just stiffly observes like an awfully life-like scarecrow. Jaehyun turns around, “Hey um, last night, was…” his face looks a little lost, “fun.” He nods to himself, “I had fun.”</p>
<p>“Me too.” Doyoung says back dryly, squinting at Jaehyun’s silhouette in the doorway.</p>
<p>“So I guess I’ll see you around?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, sure.” Doyoung smiles stiltedly.</p>
<p>It’s Jaehyun’s turn smile, he gazes back at Doyoung before turning around and shutting the door behind him. The sound of the door closing lingers in the air for a bit as Doyoung holds his breath.</p>
<p>Maybe his senses are playing tricks on him because he immediately can sense the loss of life in his apartment. A spine-warming hum leaving the walls, creating a hollow cold that sinks bone-deep. Feeling warm is overrated anyways.</p>
<p>Doyoung profiles it as an “intense post-socializing depression” as he tries to rid his mind of what Jaehyun had meant by “I had fun” and “see you around.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He ends up arriving at the cafe downtown around 10 minutes earlier than scheduled, afraid of being late. The wind chimes play an annoying little tinkling sound as Doyoung pushes the door open. His eyes scan over all the people enjoying brunch, trying to find an empty table. He feels his temples tingle from all the noise and wow are there really no available tables?</p>
<p>Before Doyoung decides to just cut his losses and turn around to just be literally anywhere except for standing around awkwardly in a cafe’s doorframe hoping people don’t think that he’s staring at them, because he’s not, he just really needs to find a damn table—</p>
<p>“Dons!” A voice sounds out from his left, “Over here!”</p>
<p>There’s only one person’s voice who Doyoung gives the permission to call him “Dons”, the same person who gave him the nickname.</p>
<p>Doyoung spots Taeyong across the cafe, near the outside seating area and tension diffuses out of him.  He takes his long body and walks it over to Taeyong, who leads them outside. The air smelling like early autumn and bustling city life.</p>
<p>“You’re early.” Doyoung says amused.</p>
<p>“Yeah? Because I knew you’d show up early. I’ve got to beat you somehow.” Taeyong smirks, pulling Doyoung’s chair out and gesturing at it fancifully. </p>
<p>Doyoung snorts, “Six years of friendship and you’re still on about this?” </p>
<p>“Well, we’ve had seven years of competition. If I recall, seven is greater than six. So yes, I am ‘still on about this’.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <i>The teacher’s eyes widen as she arrives at the front of the school, the freshmen were supposed to go on a field trip at 8am. She spots Kim Doyoung and Lee Taeyong bickering just beyond the entrance. She checks her watch—it’s 6:50.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i></i>
</p>
<p>
  <i></i>
</p>
<p>“I got here first!” Taeyong shrieks</p>
<p>“Technically. I passed. the gates. first. So I’m. earlier.” Doyoung heaves indignantly.</p>
<p>“Says who?!”</p>
<p>“Says me.”</p>
<p>
  <i>The teacher sighs, feeling an impending headache. From that day on, the two are forced to be desk mates in every class they have together.</i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Doyoung glares at Taeyong for a beat or two before breaking into a smile, “I missed you.”</p>
<p>His best friend grins back, “I think I just felt my heart shatter and puncture my liver. Prep O.R 3, I’ve got severe internal bleeding.”</p>
<p>“You’ve been watching too much of ‘The Good Doctor’.” Doyoung rolls his eyes, “Since it’s my obligation to care about you, how has life been?”</p>
<p>“Once again, I’m touched by your genuine concern. But as you can see by the new hairdo,” Taeyong tugs at strands of his icy blonde hair, “I’m about the same as two weeks ago. Still stressed, still coping through unnecessary impromptu hair dying sessions.”</p>
<p>“Maybe you should, I don’t know, consider stopping? Last time I checked, having damaged hair doesn’t help come up with choreographies.”</p>
<p>“No but it makes me look damn good while doing it.” </p>
<p>Doyoung, March of high school senior year, had just received an acceptance letter to the most prestigious research university in the country. Taeyong and Ten got letters to an equally esteemed visual and performing arts university. Doyoung was devastated, his sadness only to be slightly remedied in learning that they would only be 40 minutes away by train. They take turns visiting each other most weekends.</p>
<p>“Where’s Ten by the way?”</p>
<p>“Ugh, probably swapping spit with Johnny as we speak. He practically flew out of the train to go to that party last night, crazy.” Taeyong shakes his head.</p>
<p>“Yeah, crazy.” Doyoung mumbles, embarrassed.</p>
<p>“I swear,” Taeyong whines, “why’d you have to introduce him to each other? They’re so gross and in love, which is coming from a guy who loves love!”</p>
<p>“Don’t blame me! Johnny could barely hide his heart boner the first time he saw Ten. I took pity.”</p>
<p>“I guarantee that’s not the only kind of boner he had. Speaking of boners, what’s with the sweater?” Taeyong jerks his head across the table.</p>
<p>Doyoung’s eyebrows furrow, “I didn’t know erected genitalia was suddenly related to my fashion choices?”</p>
<p>“I didn’t either, except, I know you’re picky about your sweaters. And this one-,” Taeyong points at Doyoung’s sweater with a fork, “I know for a fact, is the one that your brother got you for your birthday this year, the one that you specifically told me the collar was way too tight, and the one you said was suffocating. Kim Doyoung, sacrificing his comfort for a casual social meeting? I thinketh not.”</p>
<p>Doyoung thinks about all the deep red hickeys on his collarbones and shifts uncomfortably in his cold metal seat, “Well if we’re here to analyze each others fashion senses, then uh—I don’t particularly enjoy the pattern of your jacket.”</p>
<p>Taeyong narrows his eyes, “If I was anybody else I’d be fooled, but I know that you know that I absolutely own zebra print.” His face then splits into a wicked grin, “How bad is it?”</p>
<p>“W-what are you insinuating by that phrase?” Doyoung tries for an offended tone but his face colors, and he knew this battle was lost the moment he put this sweater on.</p>
<p>“You know. Your bug bites, black and blue necktie, leopard spots, good time receipts—,” </p>
<p>“Oh god it keeps going.” Doyoung groans, “Fine. Yes, I have numerous rather prominent hickey’s. Now would you please stop making me want to crawl back into the ocean?”</p>
<p>“Evolution says you can’t but I’ll stop anyways,” Taeyong says, way too delighted, “Tell me about it, everything.”</p>
<p>Doyoung relents at Taeyong’s excited face, “Fine.” He leans in, “I was at the same party as Ten.”</p>
<p>“Whaaat? A. You hate parties. B. Ten didn’t mention that he saw you.”</p>
<p>“Because he didn’t. I didn’t want to bother him and Johnny, they deserve time together.” Doyoung only half lies.</p>
<p>“Yeah but they’re spending the whole day together today, and I’ll be damned if Ten wouldn’t ditch Johnny for you.” Taeyong frowns.</p>
<p>“Yeah yeah well, I didn’t stay at the party for long anyways. Sometime during, I stepped out to the balcony for some fresh air, and suddenly this guy walks out,” Doyoung chooses to omit his brief hiding in the bathroom, and Taeyong perks up at the mention of a guy.</p>
<p>“And?”</p>
<p>“And he made me cry.” Doyoung sighs.</p>
<p>Taeyong blinks, then shoots up grabbing the sides of their table and making Doyoung flinch in his seat, “He what? HE WHAT?” Taeyong all but yells, scaring a few pigeons and patrons beside their table. For someone who exudes tiny energy 50% of the time, Taeyong was mighty.</p>
<p>“Relax mom,” Doyoung rushes, “It wasn’t really his fault, I was pretty stressed last night. You could’ve said just about anything and I probably would’ve cried.” Doyoung waits for Taeyong to sit back down before continuing</p>
<p>“Then?” Taeyong asks suspiciously.</p>
<p>“Then, he apologized, although I’m not sure why, and then he told me that he was out there because he’d actually wanted to talk to me. So we made out, and I took him home. The end.”</p>
<p>Taeyong narrows his eyes, “He made you cry though.”</p>
<p>“I told you! Waterworks were gon’sta happen either way.”</p>
<p>Taeyong pouts, “Okay fine, Let’s say I trust this guy, which I don’t, is that it? Where’s the <i>romance</i>? The <i>drama</i>?”</p>
<p>“Oh god. I don’t need either of those things in my life right now.” Doyoung sighs and recalls a time in high school where he would write cringey and heart wrenching poetry about how badly he wanted this aforementioned drama and romance.</p>
<p>“But if not now, then when?” Taeyong protests, “Listen. I’m not saying you have to marry this dude or that I completely agree with your choice, but you have to admit it, you’ve been working yourself so hard lately that you’ve practically got one foot in the grave! The fact that you took time out of your work schedule for this party, for this guy, has to mean something right?”</p>
<p>Doyoung rolls his eyes, “Life is not always a 90’s chick flick.”</p>
<p>“And as amazing as that would be, I’m aware that they’re different. I’m just saying, life is too short to not to be a romantic. Doyoung, you're confident and capable. No reason to not shoot your shot and wind up shooting your own foot instead.” Taeyong shrugs.</p>
<p>Doyoung thinks back to last night. Mind brimming with images of Jaehyun and his deep-set dimples. The brisk wind swirling around them on the balcony, faces aglow with soft city light. </p>
<p>
  <i>“Doyoung, that’s not true. I think you’re quite pretty.”<i></i></i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>He was just vulnerable. Jaehyun was just kind. Nothing more really should be said. Doyoung has seen far too many people with broken hearts, all because their hopes were exceedingly high. From what he’s observed, those who love too deep and too fast, always end up with pain. Romeo and Juliet is a great literary reference for that. </p>
<p>But Doyoung would be a dirty filthy liar to say that last night wasn’t absurdly brain-melting great, and that Jaehyun wasn’t gorgeous.</p>
<p>“Kill me.” Doyoung groans, laying back into his chair, melting into it despite the wintry breeze.</p>
<p>Taeyong makes a smug face, “You’re thinking about him, aren’t you? I need details.”</p>
<p>Doyoung let’s out a pained whine, “Tae, you know that I believe true love is manufactured by the media and large corporations to make people label their lives to fit it into an idealistic image of something that it’s very much not, but—“</p>
<p>“But?” Taeyong inquires, eyebrows raised to his hairline, “There’s a but to that?”</p>
<p>“But Jaehyun was very hot. Like I’m talking full on hazardous kitchen fire, the pasta I’m cooking has been burnt for the past hour and I’m still willingly inhaling the smoke kind of hot.” Doyoung admits miserably.</p>
<p>Taeyong whistles “Dons, long-winded metaphors?”</p>
<p>“I know, It’s bad! He was just so nice and caring and kind of exactly what I needed in that moment.”</p>
<p>“I take it back, now you have to marry this Jaehyun guy.”</p>
<p>Doyoung looks up, face pained, “I didn’t even ask for any of his contacts, how am I supposed to find him?”</p>
<p>“Well if he’s as stunning as you say, then he probably can’t be too hard to find. Life finds a way. Cinderella and whatnot, you know how it goes. But I have to know, the million dollar question—,” Taeyong leans across the table and whispers this part, “how was the sex?”</p>
<p>“Are we in high school again?” Doyoung snorts, “The sex was fine. And you and I both know better than to be superficial like that.”</p>
<p>“Just fine? And no one is being superficial! We’re two best friends who care enough about each other to enquire about various sexual conquests.”</p>
<p>Doyoung’s eyes do backflips in their sockets, “Ugh please don’t make me tell anymore truths because I will vomit.”</p>
<p>“Oh, I think that’s just the low-blood sugar talking . We should probably order before we get kicked out.”</p>
<p>So that’s what they do. Doyoung munches on his brunch, trying to focus on the texture of the avocado portion of his avocado toast. (It’s kind of too chunky) He attempts to keep his thoughts from diverging to his work that he had given himself to finish before Monday.</p>
<p>
  <i>Doyoung’s Mental To-Do List<br/>
-Call Jeno &lt;3<br/>
-Biology nots (Genetics: Hemophilia)<br/>
-Language and Literature Essay theme<br/>
-Compliment Johnny on new shoes<br/>
-Epistemology Essay<br/>
-Clean up living room<br/>
-“Night at the Fiestas” Character Analysis (Chapters 3 and 4)<br/>
-Monetary Policy Test Review<br/>
-Call Donghyuck (Schedule next meeting time)<br/>
-Visit Ten at volleyball tournament today<br/>
-after that, dinner with Ten and Johnny<br/>
-Jaehyun (again, hopefully)</i>
</p>
<p>Doyoung’s chest constricts and his stomach squeezes in a sour way. There was a lot that needed attention and he hadn’t been able to even touch it yesterday. It doesn’t seem plausible that he’ll get much complete today either. Having a break for one day was tolerable, having two would throw him off his increasingly wonky work rhythm. Looks like he was going to have to shut himself at home on Sunday. </p>
<p>Doyoung gazes out on the street, watching all sorts of people pass by. It was nearing the end of winter, the tree leaves were growing back in and turning an unfamiliar shade of burnt red. Doyoung suddenly craves the salty-sweetness of summer, and golden flashes of nostalgia skim his consciousness. Time is a terribly scarce commodity these days.</p>
<p>“Whatcha thinking about?” Taeyong asks, eyebrow quirked and sipping his latte.</p>
<p>“The avocado spread, it’s a little too chunky.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eventually they finish eating and chatting, Taeyong grabs his overnight bag from the front counter. He needs to head back to his university this afternoon to finish rehearsing for an upcoming examination. </p>
<p>“Tell Ten to not elope with Johnny just yet. Trust me, he’s asked more than a couple times this week.” Taeyong laughs out and turns to hug Doyoung goodbye.</p>
<p>“Of course. And don’t change your hair color again, this one looks good. I’m mainly just concerned you’ll go bald but that could be kinda cute too.” Doyoung smiles.</p>
<p>Taeyong punches Doyoung in the shoulder who just kicks him back in response. </p>
<p>He grabs Doyoung’s arm and squeezes, “Don’t work too hard. Take time for yourself.”</p>
<p>“Working on it.” Doyoung smiles. Taeyong flashes a thumbs up as he gets in the taxi and waves out the window as the vehicle pulls out and onto the street.</p>
<p>Doyoung stands there until the taxi is out of sight, and walks back to the metro station to prepare for the rest of the day.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>so it's been almost a year since I've updated? Kinda embarrassing after all that emotional stuff i poured out in the last chapter but oh well, the memories are there.</p>
<p>I just remembered just how much I miss writing for fun and I just keep watching how i met your mother and wanting to write about relationships, so here we are.</p>
<p>Anyways i'm bad at shutting myself up so thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading</p>
<p>comments, kudos, advice, a smile, anything really, is greatly appreciated! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. biggest fan</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>seventeen cameo here lol</p><p>please enjoy sweethearts &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>For someone who did track all throughout high school, you’d expect Doyoung to be better at cardio. Unfortunately with both the lethargic nature of winter and being constantly bone-deep tired, all that stamina had dissolved in between the couch cushions. Probably hanging out with the copious amounts of navy blue BIC pens Doyoung has lost over the last years.</p><p>Doyoung is navigating through the university’s athletics building whilst doing an odd uncle jog, phone crammed uncomfortably between his ear and shoulder; he’s rummaging through his backpack. </p><p><i>“Are you okay?”</i> Jeno’s amused voice sounds out from the phone, <i>“Sounds like you’re fighting something, and losing.”</i></p><p>“I’m fine, Jeno thank you for asking. I just—I’m,” Doyoung huffs, shoving his hands deeper into  “running slightly late to an appointment with Ten. Where is that damn-ugh-,”</p><p>
  <i>“You sure you’re fine? First you break my mug and now you’re late? Where’s Doyoung and what did you do with him?”</i>
</p><p>“Please you’re the only high schooler I have respect for, don’t—don’t make me change my mind. And secondly, I said I was sorry! I’m certain that the mug breaking, hurt me exceedingly more than it’s affected you.”</p><p>Jeno snorts, <i>“Maybe so. I would volunteer to make you a new one but Renjun says I’m not allowed to get within 6 meters of the art department.”</i></p><p>“Why, is, that?” Doyoung pants, his hands close around a smooth tube towards the side of the bag, “Oh lord finally.”</p><p>
  <i>"Because apparently wherever I go, Jaemin follows, and if Jaemin comes, so does Jisungie, Chenle and Hyuck. If Hyuck goes, he’s dragging Mark with him too obviously. The art kids are already desperate for live models but when you’re as dashing as us, and as loud, well yeah, Renjun says he doesn’t want to deal with that kind stress.”</i>
</p><p>“Smart kid.” Doyoung mutters, closing his bag.</p><p>
  <i>“Find what you’re looking for?”</i>
</p><p>“Yeah,” Doyoung sighs, “Johnny forgot to bring deodorant and Ten says that he’s going to desperately need it after the match.”</p><p><i>“Who? Johnny or Ten?”</i> Jeno questions</p><p>“Both of them. Ten gets sweaty from just watching, and that’s all I will say about that.” Doyoung pushes past large doors and enters the main hallway of the gymnasium, he’s immediately struck with the sounds of balls being smashed against the floor and loud whistles.</p><p><i>“Ugh, college volleyball sounds like a dream. Do ya think I’ll make the team?”</i> Jeno’s voice sounds so longing and in those moments Doyoung is reminded that he’s still just a wide-eyed kid. </p><p>Doyoung resists the urge to coo at his cousin, “Are you kidding me, with skills like yours, they’d be crazy to say no. I’ll even get Johnny to coach you over summer if you want.”</p><p>
  <i>“Really?! Johnny is so damn cool, and tall. Man is a skyscraper and a half.” Jeno says dreamily, “Record some of the match for me! I wanna show Mark some college level plays.”</i>
</p><p>“Sure, sure, anything for you Jeno.” Doyoung says fondly, “Anyways, I gotta go, I’m almost there. I’ll send you the videos later yeah?”</p><p>
  <i>“Thanks hyung. I’ll figure the mug thing out too.”</i>
</p><p>“Bye now, don’t do drugs, stay in school, and if you’re gonna drink, do it in moderation. I put Donghyuck in charge.” Doyoung smiles.</p><p><i>“Oh god, we’re all going to die.”</i> Jeno laughs and Doyoung can picture his eye smiles, <i>“See you hyung.”</i></p><p>There’s a slight beep as the call ends and Doyoung shoves the phone back into his pocket. Past the long row of trophy cases, is set of doors pushed wide open. He can see a bunch of people in different jersey colors move about, shoes squeaking and chattering loudly.</p><p>He shoulders his bag and makes his way for the entrance. Beyond the doorway is an incredibly large open space filled with towering bleachers and glossy wood floors, marked with the boundaries of four standard volleyball courts. Different teams occupy sections of the gym, either practicing or socializing with others.</p><p>Fortunately Doyoung wasn’t too late, if he’d waited another 20 minutes when the tournament had actually started, he probably wouldn’t have been able to make it past the door. It should be known that their university was quite renowned for their sports teams, winning numerous awards over the past few years. This tournament was a rather small one in comparison to the actual competition season, but that didn’t stop Doyoung from sensing the adrenaline and aggression in every players’ eyes. </p><p>He shuddered and weaved his way past cheerleaders, coaches, and regular spectators. At the third court, his eyes fell upon a small stylishly dressed figure at the front of the bleachers. </p><p>“Ten!” He called out, waving his hand, excited to see his friend. Turned out that was a mistake. Many people enjoy comparing Ten to a cat, while he may have certain feline qualities, his demeanor sometimes much more resembles a hyperactive poodle.</p><p>Ten’s head snaps to the side, so quick Doyoung’s genuinely afraid he’ll pull something. Ten’s face splits into a wide grin and he stands up, beginning to sprint towards Doyoung.</p><p>Devil Incarnate, Doyoung thinks as the panic catches up to him, which apparently is too slow for Ten’s speed. Everything goes blurry and the world goes upside down.</p><p>“DOIE!!” Ten grins, “How are you?” </p><p>“I’d be—,” Doyoung groans, it seems he’s been gracefully thrown over Ten’s shoulder like a lanky potato sack, “-a lot better if you put me the hell down.” Ten relents and shoulders Doyoung off of himself, whom is dropped to the floor on his butt, already tired.</p><p>“Good to see you too,” Doyoung mumbles, taking Ten’s hand as a peace offering and pulling himself up in one awkward motion. </p><p>They hug and Ten pulls away with a dead serious expression, “Please tell me you brought the deodorant.”</p><p>Doyoung sighs and presents the thing like he’s offering an animal sacrifice, “Oh holy one, your deodorant.” </p><p>Ten just curtsies and takes it, “Thanks a million, I caught a peek of him in the new uniform. I just know I’m not gonna make it without panting like a dog in summer. Let’s go sit now, game is gonna start in like 10 minutes.” </p><p>“Lead the way my liege.”</p><p>“So,” Ten starts as they sit on the bleachers, “Johnny tells me you were at the party last night? And just, mysteriously left? I’m offended that you found banging some rando more interesting that getting piss drunk with me.” He pouts and Doyoung feels just a twinge of guilt.</p><p>“As much fun as that sounds, all the times we’ve gotten drunk together have ended considerably horrible and chaotic,” images of empty wine bottles and lots laughter leading to ugly tears flashes through Doyoung’s mind, shuddering, “Plus, you were with Johnny. I didn’t wanna disturb. You guy deserve quality time together.”</p><p>“I don’t know if I’d call a cramped college party my ideal date setting but thank you for the consideration. But, just so we’re clear, you know I’d ditch Johnny for you in heartbeat right?”</p><p>“That’s what Taeyong said too,” Doyoung laughs, “And the fact that you would do that is also the primary reason why I don’t wanna disturb, because I want you two actually spend time with each other.”</p><p>Ten opens his mouth but shuts up once he hears a couple deafening screams and cheers, “Ah, it seems our boys have arrived.”</p><p>You see, the volleyball team was incredibly well known for their athletic prowess, but probably even more so than that, well, there’s a good reason for why the team’s nickname was “The Volleyball Babes.” In other words, they were hot. Very hot.</p><p>“They <i>are</i> hot.” Doyoung begrudgingly admits as a large cluster of guys in dark green uniforms walk onto court. He’s never been one to feed into all the fan clubs created for volleyball guys but he is starting to see solid reason for why one might consider joining.</p><p>An intimidating looking buff guy with dark hair walks out first, talking to a tanned tall guy, suddenly a chorus of screams rip through the air.</p><p>“GO SEUNGCHEOL!”</p><p>Doyoung looks behind him, he recognizes Soonyoung from his statistics class, as well as Seokmin and Seungkwan, from comparative literature. </p><p>The guy, Seungcheol, visibly reddens and hides behind the tall guy, who screams back “HEY! WHAT ABOUT ME?!”</p><p>Soonyoung shouts back, “AND MINGYU TOO I GUESS.”</p><p>Ten laughs, “An entertaining bunch aren’t they?”</p><p>Doyoung’s busy searching for Johnny, but it’s not difficult as the guy is not as quite vertically challenged as Ten. Johnny’s eyes find his own, he shoots finger guns at Doyoung and blows Ten a kiss. Doyoung heaves as Ten catches the kiss and slaps his own ass with it.</p><p>“What?” Ten smirks, “Me and Johnny like to keep it classy.”</p><p>“Sophocles writing plays about feminism and immigration issues in 431 BC Greece, is classy. That, whatever it was, is not.” Doyoung smiles, as it’s Ten’s turn to gag.</p><p>A whisper behind Doyoung pierces the air, “Oh hell no, is that the intimidatingly gorgeous guy from your acting elective?”</p><p>Seokmin gasps, “He is! I could recognize that boy-ish yet mysterious aura anywhere! I had no idea that the Jeong Jaehyun played volleyball!”</p><p>Doyoung’s gaze just then immediately falls on the one and the only, Jaehyun, who’s just entered the gym and is very much a real person and not a figment of Doyoung’s imagination (maybe). As in, last night Jaehyun. As in, dimples Jaehyun. As in, saying ‘see you’ which totally doesn’t make Doyoung overthink, Jaehyun.</p><p>Time seems to slow as Doyoung can’t help but notice how Jaehyun’s dark hair complements the green of the uniform and how his stride is attractively confident. Doyoung feels like a helpless high schooler in a movie watching, nay, pining for their unattainable crush from behind the bushes. Maybe he was wrong, life is like a chick flick—though only during the most inconvenient and creepy of times. He thinks back to his conversation with Taeyong and desperately attempts to convince himself that he's not a hormonal high schooler anymore, he doesn't need Jeong Jaehyun to feel validated. </p><p>Jaehyun jogs up to talk to Johnny and Doyoung suddenly feels the gravity of the situation rush to his head, his resolve escaping his mind which instead is desperately trying to suppress his fight or flight instinct.</p><p>Johnny, like the traitor he is, starts to redirect his course in the direction of Ten and Doyoung. Jaehyun unfortunately following, and finally placing his eyes on Doyoung. The eye contact is brief before Doyoung awkwardly pretends to be an awful amount invested in the ceiling rafters.</p><p>“Hello dears,” Johnny says in phony British accent, “Fancy seeing y’all here.”</p><p>“Did you just say ‘y’all’? Apologies but this is where I have to break up with you. Sorry. Was nice while it lasted.” Ten playfully getting up and walking a few steps before being bear hugged by Johnny.</p><p>“Babe noooooo! We can work this out. I’ll change!” Johnny wails.</p><p>Doyoung giggles watching them—an unlikely pair for sure, but somehow all their ridges and imperfections just fit together into a parcel of chaotic neatness. Doyoung wonder if he’ll ever find something like that.</p><p>Then he feels a presence beside him, Jaehyun has just slid into the seat beside Doyoung, eyes following the Johnten duo with amusement.</p><p>“Are they always like this?” He asks, with a slight smile playing on his lips.</p><p>Doyoung gulps, ignoring how his palms get sweaty, “No. They’re usually much worse. This is them on their best behavior. Trust me. I am an unfortunate witness of plenty other happenings.”</p><p>Jaehyun laughs, as bassy and charming as ever, places his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands, and finally turns to shyly look at a increasingly nervous Doyoung, “Well hello again stranger. Didn’t expect seeing you here.”</p><p>Despite himself, Doyoung smiles back, “Well hello to you too. I’m here because, well,” he gestures at the Johnten duo, “Friend 1 and friend 2.”</p><p>“I call dibs on being friend 1!” Johnny yells as Ten attempts to tackle him (which does not work out).</p><p>“I see,” Jaehyun pouts and traces circles on the bleachers, “And here I was thinking that you were here for me.”</p><p>Doyoung's heart might've actually just skipped a literal beat, “What now?” he chokes and flushes, “I-I didn’t even know you played volleyball—”</p><p>“I’m just joshing you,” Jaehyun smiles slyly and looks away, “Although, since you’re here, it wouldn’t be terrible if I could impress you today…”</p><p>“Pardon?”</p><p>“Nothing!” Jaehyun stands up straight, “Game’sstartinggottagowarmup. Johnnyletsgo!” Then he turns on his heel and oddly marches towards the court much like nutcracker-soldier would. He turns back around briefly, seeming to consider something, then mouths a few words at Doyoung.</p><p>“Coming!” Johnny kisses Ten’s forehead and jogs over to Jaehyun, “Dude, why are you covering your ears like that?” </p><p>Doyoung blinks a few times, in overall confusion from that entire interaction and over what Jaehyun just mouthed. According to the movies, people only mouth things to be discreet or meaningful, Doyoung wracks his brain to figure out which it is. </p><p>“So, um..” Ten drawls as he slides back into the bleachers, his feline gaze scanning over Doyoung’s  stupefied face, “You two seem close.” He gets closer and squints, “Rosy-cheeked, pupils dilated, uneven breathing: What did I miss?”</p><p>Doyoung sits straight up like he does when embarrassed, “I don’t know to what you are referring to.”</p><p>“Alright alright, I see, none of my business.” He smirks, “But you’ll come around, like always.”</p><p>“Whatever, garden gnome.”</p><p>“Don’t sully the good name of garden gnomes by comparing them to a depraved creature such as I.” Ten retorts as if his own honor had been tarnished.</p><p>“You watch Sherlock Gnomes once and this is what happens.”</p><p>“Speaking of cinematic masterpieces look at Johnny’s biceps my god couldn’t you just die?” Ten basically weeps in Doyoung’s arms. The team is just starting their arm warm ups and it seems that they’ve already become the talk of the tournament. Doyoung rolls his eyes at chorus of swooning sighs from hopeless fanatic fans clutching their chests.</p><p>
  <i>Fast forward ten minutes.</i>
</p><p>Doyoung is weak, and a hypocrite. He will admit that wholeheartedly. Just a few moments of trying to nonchalantly watch the volleyball team warmup and he’s weak in the knees. It’s just—</p><p>“He’s so HOT!” Ten continues to wail.</p><p>“Yeah, that.” Doyoung says through gritted teeth trying to avoid eye contact with a certain dark-haired, dimpled boy on the court. The referee blows the whistle and calls for a coin toss-up between captains, Seungcheol steps out and is met with deafening screams from one Seokmin and Soonyoung.</p><p>Seungkwan sighs besides them, “Jeonghan’s one lucky son of a bitch.”</p><p>
  <i>Ah. So they’re also together. I don’t mind of course, I barely know them. Just seems like everyone’s a couple nowadays. Ugh, I sound like one of those terrible and bitter single people. Well…actually….whatever just focus on the game. No! Don’t focus on the game, because you know who is standing out there and you are way too obsessed with a guy you just met to be feeling this many emotions! You know nothing about him! You slept with him once, flirted a few times, that’s it. It’s a little crush because he’s good looking and treated you kind of nicely for a minute there. Yeah, that’s it. My standards aren’t that low, come on now. I’m Kim Doyoung, gorgeous, smart, legs for days, and more importantly, independent. I don’t need validation when I can already it from myself because I’m prideful and powerful and doing just fin—</i>
</p><p>It seems while Doyoung is busy screaming at himself, the game has started and a figure catches his eye suddenly. It shouts something at the setter then looks up at the ball above him with purpose and determination. Doyoung’s eyes fully focus on the what's going on in the court. There’s a step sequence, a jump up. The bleachers are silent as there’s a loud boom following Jaehyun’s fluid motion. The crowd and the team erupts in cheers as Seungcheol’s team makes the very first point with flying colors.</p><p>Johnny high-fives Jaehyun with all his might and Mingyu slaps his back emphatically. </p><p>“Doyoung did you see that?! Jaehyun’s spike was crazy! I can’t believe…” Ten’s voice drifts off into some grey space between reality and Doyoung’s mind.</p><p>He’s given up on no eye contact. He’s just staring at this point, Doyoung knows he is. Because when he meets Jaehyun’s eyes, Jaehyun has the audacity to flash him a wide grin, Doyoung covers his face to hide the way his face burns bright crimson when he finally deciphers the words mouthed earlier:</p><p>
  <i>Watch me.</i>
</p><p> </p><p>The match ends, and after a few more of them, so does the entire tournament. It’s a resounding, sweeping victory for the boys in dark green. Doyoung doesn’t think he’s exhaled the entire time, his body practically turns into jello once the last match-point is earned. He’s not even a little bit aware of volleyball rules, but it’s terribly cool to watch. Especially since Jaehyun is practically glowing gold the entire time, he’s so bright that Doyoung honest to god kinda has to squint to look at him.</p><p>Ten comes back from his deodorant application run and shakes his head, “Damn, what a tournament. Feel kind of bad for the other teams though, we kinda—” </p><p>“Obliterated them?” Seungkwan quips.</p><p>“Annihilated them?” Seokmin adds.</p><p>“Smote them into smithereens like the mighty thunderbolt of Zeus?” Soonyoung grins maniacally.</p><p>“We’ll just say all of the above.” Ten smiles, and Doyoung nodding in affirmation. Ten turns to him, “But what is up with you? You’ve been acting all mysterious and distracted ever since that Jaehyun fellow talked to you.”</p><p>“Whaaaaaaaat?” Doyoung drawls on for an unnecessarily long amount of time, “I insist on carting you to the hospital, you’re seeing things. If I recall correctly, a symptom of psychosis.”</p><p>Ten narrows his eyes, “This stinks to holy hell. What did he do? Do I need to break in his kneecaps? So help me god I will crush those kneecaps into a—“</p><p>“No!” Doyoung yelps, “Okay fine, I’ll tell you but please stop with the baselessly violent threats.”</p><p>Ten shrugs and smiles, “Sounds fair. Spill, bunny wabbit.”</p><p>“I may or may not have met Jaehyun at that party last night, and we, oh, I don’t know, maybe made out, and maybe went back to my place, and maybe, just maybe, had sex?” Doyoung’s voice grows higher as he continues, he practically squeaks the last part.</p><p>Ten’s facial expression doesn’t budge, “I see.” His face remains stoney until he makes an odd twirling motion with his hand, “But riddle me this, was, the sex good?”</p><p>“Oh my god, you and Taeyong both, I swear.” Doyoung huffs, “Fine, you minx. Yes the sex was amazing and very much consensual. He was a real gentleman about it.” Doyoung’s embarrassed out of his wits. He braces for a slew of questions, perhaps an onslaught of cleverly constructed teasing remarks, even a dramatic grabbing and shaking of the shoulders, but instead he’s promptly engulfed one of Ten’s full body hug.</p><p>“My sweet sweet summer child—”</p><p>Doyoung’s surprised but not enough to not make a remark, “I was born in February? My zodiac sign is like a cup of water or something.”</p><p>“Yeah, whatever you Aquarius. You finally had one night stand with a dude and didn’t completely regret it the next morning, welcome to the big leagues!” Ten exclaims with actual happiness in his voice.</p><p>“Yep, that.” Doyoung agrees stiffly, “I expected more, ridicule or admonishment.”</p><p>“Taeyong is the voice of authority in this relationship and you know it. But me? You know me. I’m about as sex positive as they come. If you’re worried about the teasing, don’t be. I’ll unleash them later when Jaehyun and you are next to each other for maximum effect.”</p><p>“Aaand, he’s back.” Doyoung sighs.</p><p>“Wait,” Ten pulls himself away, “But why oh why is my Kim Doyoung acting so strange? The sex was good and the guy was cute? This can only mean one thing!”</p><p>“No please—“ Doyoung protests. Ten squeals and points a finger at Doyoung’s nose, making him go cross-eyed looking at it.</p><p>“You, my dear boy, have caught feelings!”</p><p>Doyoung squeaks, and clutches his metaphorical pearl necklace, “That’s preposterous, I barely know him!” </p><p>“Ah but the facts are undeniable, unalienable! You yourself know it makes no sense so you’re denying it, am I brilliant or am I brilliant?”</p><p>“You’re 5’7, and wrong.”</p><p>“I’m in a good enough mood to not punch you right now.” Ten grins in a cheshire like fashion, “Oooo Doyoung has a cruuushhhh. I bet it’s all fat and mushy and makes you feel like there’s a million butterflies in your tummy.”</p><p>“Why am I friends with you?” Doyoung asks hiding his face in his sweater.</p><p>“Because,” Ten laughs, “I support and encourage you in your romantic endeavors, and let you use my Netflix account.”</p><p>Doyoung lets out a muffled, “That’s true.” He extends his arms out to hug Ten who graciously accepts. As much as Ten loves to poke fun at Doyoung, he’s also always there for him at a moment’s notice, and that is worth enduring through his painfully accurate readings of Doyoung’s emotions. </p><p>“Oop, incoming.” Ten chimes, “Hey hubby how’s it going?”</p><p>“Going great! Check out my drip!” Johnny exclaims, Doyoung assuming he’s won some sort of medal for being good at being tall. “What’s with sweater mound over there?” Johnny proceeding to yank the sweater down to expose Doyoung’s face.</p><p>“Hey!” Doyoung protests, “I was having fun in there.”</p><p>“What’s his deal?” Johnny inquires.</p><p>“Well you see boyfriend of mine, it seems our Doyoung has been sent into crisis over—“</p><p>Lo and behold Jaehyun slides into the conversation, towel draped over his head, eyes wide and naive, “Hey guys, Doyoung’s in crisis?” The aforementioned Doyoung’s eyes widen in terror and shakes his head subtly at Ten.</p><p>“O-over dinner. Yep, Doyoung’s in crisis cause of dinner. Poor thing hasn’t eaten anything all day. Don’t worry my bunny, we will take you out for a hearty helping of carrots and celery very soon.” Ten smiles and nods, obviously proud of himself. Doyoung sighs, at least he’d take hungry over pathetic crush any day.</p><p>“Oh.” Jaehyun furrows his brows in displeasure, and turns to Doyoung, “That’s not good, you really should go eat soon.” Although Doyoung doesn’t really hear anything over the rushing of blood in his ears as his mind can only process the sweaty and flushed Jaehyun in front of him. Just like that, images of last night run through his mind like a raunchy slideshow. Jaehyun’s lips running over his neck, hands cupping his waist, eyes grazing up and down Doyoung’s exposed body in the moonlight. And, worry not, Doyoung is perfectly aware that the social acceptable amount of time to provide an answer has elapsed, but before he can say anything, a shrill voice interrupts the air.</p><p>“Jaehyun! It’s me!” A girl in a large puffy jacket waves rapidly and approaches the group. She runs up to him and grabs his arm and presses it to her side, “Hey sweetie, you miss me?” </p><p>Everyone is shocked into silence. Doyoung can almost hear his heart drop into his gut. When he and Jaehyun played 20 questions on the subway, he never asked if there was a significant other. And now Doyoung, the same Doyoung who only wore multicolored polo shirts in high school, the same Doyoung can’t handle more alcohol than a singular piña colada and two orange juice vodkas, the same Doyoung who has eight named plushies on his bed, has taken on the role of <i>the other man</i>. </p><p>Doyoung’s inappropriately overactive mind can only picture, in vivid detail, what last night’s situation could seem to an outsider.  </p><p>
  <i>Cue Doyoung in a ridiculously low-cut leopard print top, cheap whisky in one hand and Marlboro cigarette in the other, sidling up to squeaky-clean and innocent Jaehyun in crisp white button-up, with a predatory gaze at some dimly-lit, back-alley, shady bar. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Hey hot stuff, wanna buy me a drink?” He drawls slow and seductive.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Jaehyun nervously laughs, and looks away, “Sorry sir, I’m a taken man.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Doyoung flicks his cigarette away, and purrs in Jaehyun’s ear, “Never stopped anyone before. Barkeep! Two whiskey neats, oh, and, what’ll you be having?” </i>
</p><p>Then obviously Doyoung coerces Jaehyun into getting drunk off his mind, they bang at a greasy motel, and now Jaehyun’s life is ruined and Doyoung is the worst person to ever exist in the world.</p><p>Doyoung’s terrible terrible imagination is thankfully cut short with Jaehyun’s very befuddled, “I’m sorry, but, do I know you?” </p><p>Doyoung almost faints from the relief rushing through his veins, or maybe that’s just the adrenaline from how many times his fight-or-flight has been triggered today. </p><p>Jaehyun tries to remove his hand but she keeps it firmly in place and pouts, “It’s me Jaehyun! Do you not remember?”</p><p>“I-uh,” Jaehyun glances at Doyoung with pure panic written in his eyes, “No?”</p><p>“Oh wow you work out huh?” She says distractedly running a hand along his bicep, “Oh sorry,” she giggles, “Mr. Muscle over here can’t help showing off huh?” As if it’s joke that everyone should be laughing at, “It’s me, Angie!”</p><p>The look of pure confusion doesn’t leave Jaehyun’s face, “I’m sorry I really don’t know anyone with that name.” This time he yanks a bit harder and his arm slips out of her embrace, sending her back a few steps.</p><p>She pouts again, Doyoung is getting real close to putting a fist to her kisser if she doesn’t quit the bratty attitude, “Sweetie, are you serious? It’s me Angie, from your World War II in Asia &amp; Pacific class?”</p><p>Jaehyun backs up closer to where Doyoung is sitting and whispers behind him, “I-I am asleep for most of that class? I do not remember this person.”</p><p>“You lent me your pen that one time? God so magical. I still have it.” She sighs dreamily.</p><p>“Lord this bitch is the dictionary definition of delusional” Ten whispers to Johnny.</p><p>She smiles terrifyingly wide again, “It’s okay though sweetie, I forgive you. I heard you were on the volleyball team and that you were playing today so I rushed over. You’re looking sexy as usual.”</p><p>Jaehyun’s face is caught in between disbelief and bewilderment, “Angie, right, sorry, I do remember the pen thing. But are you sure you’re not mistaking me for anyone else? I don’t recall talking to you much in class, or ever really.”</p><p>Doyoung notes that she has audacity to say, “Oh well duh silly, of course I’m here for you, I was thinking that since we don’t know each other as intimately as we should, that we could go for date night today.” </p><p>“Sorry—” Jaehyun starts before he’s cut off by Angie lunging for his arm again.</p><p>Doyoung yanks Jaehyun back before she can lay her weathered claws on him, “You apologize too much.” Doyoung whispers back. </p><p>He then holds Jaehyun’s arm to him like she did, “Hey sweetie,” he begins with an icy saccharine sweetness in his voice, “Jaehyun’s off-limits today because he’ll be going out to dinner with us,” Doyoung gestures at Ten who gives her his deadly up-and-down look, crossed arms, cocked eyebrow, and everything. Johnny simply stands up straight and squares his shoulders, just enough to intimidate a mountain, “And with me.” Doyoung puts an slow arm around Jaehyun’s shoulder and leans their heads together, “I hope you don’t have any problems with that, <i>sweetie</i>.” He spits that last part out with so much venom he can hear Taeyong rooting for him in his mind. </p><p>She glares straight at Doyoung, but her glance wavers at Ten and Johnny. Finally, she huffs indignantly, “That’s fine with me, I can find Jaehyun whenever I want.”</p><p>“Keep dreaming love.” Ten mutters.</p><p>“Jaehyun, call me!” She exclaims before scurrying off to whatever mouse-hole she came out of.</p><p>A moment of silence passes, and everyone exhales a sigh of relief.</p><p>“I don’t even have her number?” Jaehyun laughs in disbelief, hand laid over his forehead.</p><p>“What? What even the fuck was that? I-I, no words, honest to god.” Johnny shakes his head.</p><p>Ten slow claps, “Well well well, nice play Doyoung. Taeyong would be proud.” </p><p>“Oh lord,” Doyoung sighs, sinking to his knees, “Did you see the way that bitch glared at me? Oh my, I thought she was going to see through me, rip my heart out, then present it to Jaehyun as a declaration of her love. Please don’t tell me that this is a common occurrence in your life.”</p><p>Jaehyun shakes his head, “Not even remotely. Oh god, is this what girls feel like when guys are creepily persistent? I need to call my mom, and every woman I’ve ever met and apologize on behalf of men.”</p><p>“Amen.” Ten nods.</p><p>“Nothing like a manic fangirl to make you hungry huh? Let’s go eat soon. Dude, Jaehyun come with us, it’ll be a blast. Also cause I’m afraid she’s gonna come back jump you, kidnap you, or try to steal locks of your  hair for a clone or something.” Johnny laughs.</p><p>“Are you sure? I don’t mean to intrud—”</p><p>“Oh my god yes Jaehyun, we’re damn sure. After that experience we might as well have formed a blood pact.” Ten snorts. “Quit the courtesy act and lets get out of here before <i>it</i> returns” He shudders and walks with Johnny to the changing room.</p><p>Jaehyun blinks and notices Doyoung still on the floor, reaching a hand out, “You okay?”</p><p>“I’m good, just still in awe over that whole ordeal.” Doyoung takes Jaehyun’s warm hand, and stands up, “You should really report that though…” He trails off, he’s standing almost nose-to-nose with Jaehyun, their faces so close together that Doyoung can smell the same soft lavender shampoo that stayed on his pillow last night.</p><p>“I’m sorry about that.” Jaehyun whispers, Doyoung barely shivers, “I can’t imagine how you must’ve have felt. A girl coming up to me and calling me sweetie? God, you had to have thought I was the largest asshole.”</p><p>Doyoung smiles softly, “What did I say about apologizing too much? And actually, it was quite the opposite. I feared I had become this horrible washed-up home-wrecker. Can you picture me, a cougar?”</p><p>Like that, the tender moment is broken as Jaehyun turn away and breaks out in his signature laugh, “I’m sorry? What? That’s crazy Doyoung, and I think you have to be above 50 and a woman to be a cougar.”</p><p>“In hindsight,” Doyoung grins sheepishly, “That was a rather absurd thought wasn’t it?” </p><p>“So absurd,” Jaehyun affirms, “Trust me, I don’t have anyone special in my life. Right now, that is.”</p><p>Doyoung nods slowly, “Oh, I see, that’s-that’s cool.”</p><p>“Is it?” Jaehyun smirks, eyes twinkling, “Well, I’m gonna go change right now, be back out in a jiff. Johnny’s right, I’m starving” He walks and walks towards the locker rooms, until Doyoung is left alone in the gymnasium, save for a few scattered players and spectators. </p><p>Doyoung rubs a hand over his sweater, right where he knows a couple of hickeys rest deep in his skin. His collarbones tingle and a restless energy takes over his body, filling his veins and nerves. It’s different from adrenaline, nervousness, or even horniness. Doyoung’s hand still feels warm from Jaehyun’s. He suppresses an involuntary smile. It’s a sensation akin to excitement, something he hasn’t genuinely felt in god knows how long.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Oh my it would seem I actually have inspiration to write!</p><p>Which is fortunate since some of you were so so supportive and patient and kind and just so very sweet to me in the last chapter. </p><p>btw, inspo for that crazy girl part was from learning how saesangs are scared of Doyoung because he cusses them out lmao i stan. and even though i made Angie up entirely, i still hate her, she's what i imagine saesangs to be like, batshit crazy, anywaysss</p><p>I thank everyone who's read this from the bottom of my heart! I hope this chapter is up to par.</p><p>as always, kudos, comments, feedback, a smile, are very much appreciated &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi guys! if you know my previous works, hi again, and if you don't, i extend the warmest of howdys.</p><p>i have absent for god knows how long, and don't have anyone to blame but myself. to get real with you, i found myself in such a deep funk. writing wise, art wise, the whole shebang. i was getting insecure about school and everyday was a reminder that i didn't have time. well, now, all we really have is time. i figured i would give writing another shot. i stopped my other fic because, it felt immature and trying to be something it wasn't. I didn't have a clear idea of plot and i was scared to keep going. in fear of disappointing y'all, and myself. or maybe i've just grown in the time i haven't updated, either way, i'm here now. </p><p>in case you haven't noticed, my boy doyoung is going through it all the time. sorry if that's not the kind of fic you expected, to be honest i was surprised i wrote the story this way. i think i really just wanted people to relate to these characters, to understand that yes, growing up, being independent, navigating your way through this world is so so beyond tough. i feel like i'm always still searching for meaning and ending up back at where i started, except i'm always just scared, stressed, fatigued, and lonely. in the time i've been gone, i've just reflected a lot on myself. and honestly i still know nothing except life is beautiful sometimes, ugly other times. when it's great it's euphoric, when it's not, it feels like you're fading. i know some of you have felt this way and so! have! i! god it sucks doesn't it? and i don't have answers for you except keep going, you are so so so very not alone. </p><p>this fic is not finished yet. i wanted to complete the whole thing then post it, but i realized as i would go to write new paragraphs, i would obsess over the ones i had already written, and be tempted to just delete the whole thing to start from scratch. so i'm doing this to try and get myself to accept imperfection, seems dumb but im dumb so yeah. </p><p>lastly, i wanted to reconnect on the ao3 community so much, every comment you guys had left me on my past fics were so sweet and touching. and during these trying times i know we all need support from wherever we can get it. Feel free to comment on this fic, what you liked, what you thought needed fixing, either way, it means loads coming from you guys. and also, please, if any of you have anything on your minds, no matter how trivial, please please share it! tell me about your day, how you're feeling, what you want in life, poems! song requests! anything! i want to use this comment section to help whoever i can, and so you guys can offer support to each other. </p><p>i'll go first with my troubles because you know, since im already here spilling my guts to you, might as well do it some more. i'm so anxious for the future, and so so so questioning of my self  worth. this being made especially apparent as quarantine has come by. (btw i live in china and have been quarantining for almost 3 months! wild i know, but im healthy and things are looking up!) at the start, i was so motivated to achieve, i woke up at 7 everyday to get a headstart on my work, and as the weeks passed, i started to stagnate. my motivation lost, sense of self and accomplishment, demolished. where did i go? i've been a ghost of myself, floating through my house aimlessly. but i know that strength comes from within, and i know i am capable. i've just had too much free time to doubt myself and to get in my head. but through small acts such as talking to you guys, writing more, drawing more, i want to enjoy my daily life and who i am once more. </p><p>so yes, i am done now. (sort of) thank you for reading, or for not! you are still appreciated :3</p><p>i write poetry and post memes on my insta @everyonepleaselikeme --follow me, shout at me, throw stones at me, dm me, talk about fanfics with me, kpop and anime, fashion and makeup, movies, and youtubers, your struggles or accomplishments im here for it!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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